I have a huge fear of losing people I love.
The fear has been instilled in me ever since I can remember. I remember for a few nights when I was younger my mom was on a little trip with some of her friends for no more than three days and I slept clinging to a picture of her every night. I feared that if I didn’t, she somehow wouldn’t come back. Looking back at it now, I realize that all of the things I did that resembled that kind of behavior was because of my anxiety, and of course because I love my mom, but OCD definitely played a role at that time although I was unaware.
My therapy session a week ago from today tapped into the fears I have of losing people in my life. As we got deeper into our conversation on cognitive distortions, I began telling my therapist about the thoughts I have regarding certain distortions that relate to this.
She then proceeded to ask me what my thoughts are when it comes to my fear losing people.
“He doesn’t really love you.”
“No one really loves you.”
“Hell probably leave you just like your last relationship.”
“No one really cares about what you are going through.”
“No one believes what you are feeling or experiencing. It’s all in your head.”
These are thoughts that my anxiety and Rex tell me, and those are just a few. They try to pin point my deepest fears and feed me lies. Sometimes it’s really hard not to believe them, and even harder to answer back to them knowing that those things may happen, but there is no reason to live my life as if they are going to. There is no reason to stress over something that I can’t control. While that is much, much easier said than done, like my therapist always says, “If it happens, I will deal with it then.”
I used to shy away from relationships. In High School I didn’t have many friends. With all of the aspects of my mental health that I was dealing with I was afraid that if people really knew what I was going through that they would judge me or that they wouldn’t believe me. So I closed up and became someone who I hardly even recognized when I looked in the mirror. I was afraid of being loved all because of the fear of losing people. I figured that if I dint get close to anyone, then I would never be hurt. But that no way to live.
To be honest, I am still scared to have people close to me because I fear that one day they just wont be there anymore. I fear that they may one day leave. The worst part is that sometimes that happens, and its been something in my life that I have had to experience. Because of that, the fear grows, but I too grow from it. I have learned that I can’t fear the unknown because I have no control over it. I have no control over the people who come into my life and the decisions they make and I’ve learned that sometimes those decisions hurt, but you also come out stronger because of it.
One particular instance in my life left me with my biggest fear come true, and although I now know it was for the best and has left me so much happier, that doesn’t take away from the impact it had on me mentally and emotionally. Losing someone is tough in any situation, no matter how healthy or unhealthy the relationship is. It’s the trust that you give them that is broken by a lie, or the love that you shared with them that wasn’t reciprocated. It’s the idea the you’re over thinking things when really you were right about the situation all along. But then you pick yourself back up and realize how strong you are. You realize how worthy you are to be loved by someone who actually means it when they say it. You deserve to be told you are beautiful even when you know you look like a hobo after a long day. You deserve someone who doesn’t let you doubt what love means or what it should look like. You deserve to feel worthy.
Because of a loss of someone in my life, my biggest fear had come true. Sometimes that’s all it takes for that fear to lose a little bit of its power simply because you realize that what you feared happened, and it wasn’t that bad. In fact, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
But that doesn’t mean that the fear goes away. With weeks like this week, the fear gets brought back to the surface. My anxiety is high and I am stressed out from school. My eating disorder has been loud and restricting has been pretty enticing. I have felt “fat” all week and it’s hard not to believe it. And with all of those thoughts anorexia likes to squeeze in just a few more all relating to fears.
Those thoughts come rushing to the forefront of my mind and I read into every little aspect of my relationships leaving me with an uneasy feeling that I can’t quite shake. I have a huge fear of losing my family. I have ridiculously ginormous fear of my boyfriend no longer being in my life. I have a fear of losing those I love.
But that doesn’t mean I stop pursuing relationships and living in the moment. I don’t want fear to get in the way of a memory. I don’t want fear to stop me from having the most beautiful relationships with others. When it all comes down to it, living in fear is no way to live. That’s definitely easier said then done when the flame is being stoked by anxiety and anorexia, but if there is anything I have learned in the past year about relationships, it’s that some people come into your life for a reason, some a season, and some for a lifetime.